


I Feel So Untouched

by UnspokenWords



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, As in Shiro hasn't returned yet, Before Season 3 Episode 5 to be exact, Happens during season 3, Homesickness, Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Mario Kart, POV Lance (Voltron), Pidge watches game theory sorry, Pining, Pre-Episode: s03e05 The Journey, Self-Doubt, Team Punk is a meme team, except it's not really soulmates just whoever you fall in love with, i will finish this fic even if it kills me, literal sparks, more like shocks, shiro still ain't awake yet lol, wow i love angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-05-17 01:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14822510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnspokenWords/pseuds/UnspokenWords
Summary: *Lance POV*I wish I could touch Keith. But I can't anymore, not after I fell in love with him. Why were humans made to be unable to touch who they were in love with? I can't even touch him without feeling a shock run through my veins.But I rile him up, and he touches me.But I get put in danger, and he touches me.And every single time he presses his body against me or grabs my arm, it fucking burns and stings and hurts. So, there's really only two options now: fall out of love with Keith, or die from the electricity.





	1. Right

I miss being able to touch his skin. He used to moisturize his skin so often that whenever I ran my fingers along it, I would only feel the softness. He doesn’t do it as often anymore, which is more obvious when he scratches his skin.

I see his hand move from across the room, and he scratches his arm. Instead of the red that used to trail behind his nails, white follows his fingers. His skin is light anyway, so most normal people didn’t notice, but considering how long I had spent worshipping that skin from a distance, trying to touch it without a care in the world, I notice. 

Now, whenever I touch his skin, the slightest electricity runs through my body. That’s with one finger. Two, and it’s a buzz. His entire hand in mine, and it’s a shock.

So here I am, avoiding the one person who I can never be rid of, and missing being able to touch him. Why did I have to fall in love with him? If I hadn’t fallen in love, maybe everything could still be the same. I could hold his hand and hug his shoulders and poke his nose without a jolt of electricity. Then again, why didn’t he fall in love with me too? Then we could work it out, then he would be trying to avoid the touches too and we could forget about it and move on.

It’s fucking annoying, especially when you live together, train together, eat together, fuse into a giant robot together, and go on missions together. It’s also fucking annoying when sometimes, body contact is necessary. Like when he needs to save my ass, and I have to grab his hand so he can pull me to safety. Or when he has to push me back from doing stupid shit. Or when we sit next to each other and our elbows knock together while trying to reach for the green goo.

It’s not like we were really friends before this, I just liked the feel of his skin whenever I happened to touch it. Which is why I used to use every trick in the book to try and get my skin to make contact with his.

To be honest, I think this is why it’s easier for people to have interspecies relationships instead of relations with other humans, At least then whenever you touched the skin of the person you loved, the person you wanted to have a baby within some cases, you wouldn’t be electrocuted. It's kind of weird knowledge, at least according to Allura, to know that your father died because of the intense contact during sex.

It‘s also moments like this that made me wish that he took more after the Galra than humans. If he took after the Galra more, maybe my skin wouldn’t react to his. But he just has to be hot, and more human, and really fucking hot.

Fuckin' quiznak! A sharp knock hits me on the head, accompanied by a short shock. Keith.

“Get your shit together before the next mission,” he says, sauntering off to grab his jacket. “And hey, if you need help, I can train with you.”

“What? Why would  **you** offer to train with **me**?” I say, dumbfounded. Keith, the hothead, offering to train with **me**?

“It’s for the good of the team, Lance,” Keith says right before the door closes behind him, leaving me alone in the room. Good for the team, my sweet ass. I doubt that’s why he wants to train with me. Probably to show off and prove that he’s better than me —

I cut myself off. He’s changed since he became the leader, Lance. I don’t think that he would do that. Perhaps, in some part of his mind, he’s trying to be more like Shiro, since Shiro isn’t here for him anymore. Since Shiro is still what the team kind of needs right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I'm being serious, I don't really know where the story is going to go from here, but I do know Shiro is going to come back. Please give me ideas.


	2. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, OH MY FUCK, SEASON 6 WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?
> 
> Back to the fic. So, the main premise of this chapter has to do with inspiration from a song. It's the theme song from the movie Space Jam, and I'll add a link below. You don't need to listen to it, but I highly recommend you at least listen to the first minute and thirty seconds to get a good idea of what's going on.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9FImc2LOr8

It’s the morning after the mission and I’m doing my morning routine in the bathroom as usual. Face mask, skin care, brushing the pearly whites, all the normal jazz to keep myself looking good. There’s a small beep from my phone thingy. A laugh escapes me as I read the notification. It’s almost time for Keith’s alarm to go off. Oh, this shit is going to be great. The clock hits time. I can faintly hear the alarm clock through the walls and my heart instantly starts beating faster.

> _ Everybody get up, it's time to slam now. _
> 
> _ We got a real jam goin' down. _
> 
> _ Welcome to the Space Jam. _
> 
> _ Here's your chance, do your dance at the Space Jam. _
> 
> _ Alright... _

I’m so glad that Hunk and I got Pidge in on this mess because this edit was going to be amazing. Hunk, thank you for making a fake alarm clock that looks like Keith’s. Pidge, thank you for making this fuckin’ edit of the song. Both of you, thank you for turning my idea into a reality and sneaking this into Keith’s room.

> _ Come on and slam, and welcome to the jam. _
> 
> _ Come on and slam, if you wanna jam. _

The volume gets louder as the beats from the first verse came in. It’s definitely not faint anymore, I think that even Coran and Allura can hear it now. The speakers on this clock are amazing, honestly, Pidge and Hunk did great with this.

> _ C'mon and slam, and welcome to the jam. _
> 
> _ C'mon and slam, if you wanna jam. _
> 
> _ C'mon and slam, and welcome to the jam. _
> 
> _ C'mon and slam, if you wanna jam. _

There are confused noises from outside, which sound like Allura and Coran slowly approaching Keith’s room. I get a text from Pidge saying that Keith was starting to wake up. My heart is beating almost a mile a minute now, the anticipation was killing me. But I smirk, knowing that this is where the morning goes from good to great, for me anyway.

> **_C'mon and slam, and welcome to the jam._ **
> 
> **_C'mon and slam, if you wanna jam._ **
> 
> **_C'mon and slam, and welcome to the jam._ **
> 
> **_C'mon and slam, if you wanna jam._ **

The music gets even louder, now blasting from Keith’s alarm at top volume. Oh damn, I fucking loved this edit! They really perfected it. I unconsciously start dancing, my skincare routine now pushed to the back of my mind. This song was a masterpiece already, and this edit... Pidge was a genius alright. The lyrics just repeat, the background music getting louder each time until it’s drowned out almost all other noise. But before we can get to the repeat again, a scream pierces my ears.

“What the fuck?! Who fucking did this to my alarm?!” Keith yelled. I could hear him muffled through the walls and somehow, over the music. I almost can’t hold in my laughter, but I manage to and continue dancing to this jam.

“This isn’t even my alarm! Where’s my alarm?!” Keith’s getting frustrated, and that just makes this morning almost perfect. The screams escalate to groans and grunts as Keith struggles to turn off the contraption Team Punk made. I’ve stopped dancing now because I’m laughing too hard to even move. Holy fuck, this was so worth it, so worth it all. This has to be one of the best pranks we’ve done.

A visceral scream cuts through the air, and a crashing sound follows it, so loud that Allura and Coran can hear it. Coran screams, Allura yells after him, and their footsteps are getting farther away. The music stops suddenly, and it’s clear that Keith threw the clock at the wall to break it. Of course, he would! Fucking hell, this was perfect! I'm still laughing, even as, I hear the footsteps down the hall and the banging on my door.

“I KNOW IT WAS YOU WHO DID THIS, LANCE! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

Okay, shit, he knows it’s me. I’ve got to stop laughing, regain composure and get to the door to refute his claim. I look back into the mirror — after all, if I want to seem innocent, my face mask should still be perfect — and fix my appearance. Once I finally looked like I wasn’t guilty, I opened the door, face mask and bathrobe and all.

“Good morning, Keith,” I reply, slowly and calmly. He really does look furious, more furious than usual. This... was a bad idea. Not only is Keith angry, which I do have to admit is pretty hot, but he’s also still in his pajamas with bed head and, oh my fuck, is this what the elusive “I just got fucked” look is?

“WHAT THE FUCK, LANCE?!” Before I can catch my breath from looking at him, I’m feeling shocks stemming from my neck and I’m being pushed back. My heart is speeding up and my skin is tingling and Keith is really,  **really** angry and pushing me really hard against a wall now and yelling in my face and I don’t know how I feel about this or what to do.

On one hand, I’m touching Keith’s skin again for the first time in a while, and I’m not just touching him, he’s got almost his whole arm touching me. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to touch his skin and now, instead of just knowing his skin was drier from observation, I can feel it. Plus, I got to see Keith looking really great this morning.

On the other hand, I’m being choked against a wall and the shocks going through my body are making my heart beat faster than I’ve known, or maybe that’s from the lack of air, but if this goes on any longer, I might pass out. Not to mention I’m being choked by the person who I’m in love with, and I don’t think I can handle the idea of the person I’m in love with killing me and holy fucking hell, I need to get him off of me. He’s still yelling at me and he’s pushing me harder against the wall, and I need air, I need to say something, I need these shocks to stop.

I try to talk soundly, but my voice only comes out strained and higher pitched than normal.

“I didn’t do anything, dude. Please, chill.”

“CHILL? YOU ALREADY FUCKED UP THE MISSION YESTERDAY AND NOW YOU WANT TO FUCK UP MY MORNING TOO? SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”

“Seriously, Keith, you gotta lay off, I can’t... I can’t breathe.” Keith finally releases me, and I can breathe again. I gasp for air, needing to fill my lungs to breathe. The shocks stop, finally, but Keith still looks furious, his eyebrows furrowed.

“You. Training room. Now,” Keith says, looking me straight in the eye and gesturing towards the training room as he says it.

“Why? You just choked me and now I have to train?” That’s Keith The Leader for you. One second he basically tries to kill his teammate by choking him to death, the next he tries to make him to physical activity. I'm pretty sure my neck was bruised too.

“Yes, you do. Now. Or what, you think you can’t beat me?” Me? Unable to beat Keith? Oh, it was on now. I smirk.

“You bet your fucking ass I can beat you. Give me ten minutes, I need to finish my face mask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this chapter was a bit funny, but I also wanted to get into them actually beginning to train together and bond before I bring back Shiro. There's going to be a lot of moments that happen before Shiro returns, so get ready for that? I have parts written, I just need to make it flow and cohesive and all that jazz.
> 
> WHEN LANCE BETS ON KEITH'S ASS, HE IS NOT ACTUALLY BETTING ON HIS ASS. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING, IT IS AN EXPRESSION.


	3. Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has not been proofread by anyone but Grammarly and me, and I only skimmed it, so please point out any inconsistencies or errors. My best friend is going off to Europe, so they can't read it either, so you guys are my only hope here.  
> I hope you enjoy!

I got my ass handed to me. I think Keith had an unfair advantage in the fight because it was hand-to-hand combat, no weapons, and he’s more used to close ranged attacks, but whatever. I mean, not to mention he spends his entire life in the training room. Well, he has spent less time in the training room since becoming the leader, but that’s due to him now having to attend strategy meetings with Allura and Coran. He totally had an unfair advantage in this fight, after all, I was choked a few minutes before the fight. Oh, and the fact that **it was hand-to-hand combat and I had to touch him this entire time, which sent shocks throughout my body for almost the entire time.** I mean, at one point, he wrestled me to the ground and I had a lot of contact with him, which made the shocks extremely intense to the point where I was shaking.

I walk into the lounge, still sore even though it’s been like an hour, and find Keith running frantically around the room, followed by Allura and Pidge, while Hunk is just sitting down talking to Coran. Fuck, I hope he doesn’t run towards me and touch or whatever, at least he’s too clueless to notice my weird behavior, but the others are not. The people running are oddly silent, except for Pidge’s occasional swears.

“Woah, what’s going on here?” I say jokingly.

“Allura was wondering if Keith’s hair was long enough to braid back into a ponytail, Pidge wanted blackmail pictures of it, and Hunk just wants Keith to try some of his new cookies,” Coran says in a matter-of-fact tone. Hunk nods and confirms what he said.

“So, let me get this straight. Keith is running because Allura and Pidge just want to make the mullet look better, and Hunk is just sitting here with you because he baked some cookies and wants people to have them?”

“Yes, Lance, that’s exactly it!” Coran affirms.

“Just your typical Paladin afternoon, huh?”

“Yup,” replies Hunk.

“Can I try a cookie and join you two in watching the madness unfold?”

“Go right ahead,” Hunk says. I slide into the seat next to him and grab a cookie. Pidge has taken to blocking the exit so Keith can’t escape, only run from Allura. Allura almost catches up, almost grabs his shirt, and oh my god, Keith slides out of her reach like a baseball player, causing her to stumble a bit. I take a bite out of my cookie — it’s warm and has hints of chili and chocolate and is delicious — as Allura trips Keith, but only long enough for the mice to climb onto him. Keith gets back up with mice now in his hair, sitting atop his head like this was Ratatouille, and tries to run, but with the feet scattering on his head, can’t make radical decisions. He opts to just trust his gut, but that gut causes him to run towards the wall, and now he’s cornered by Allura.

“Lance, help me!” Keith calls out. I guess I’m his only hope, considering Coran and Hunk don’t care and Pidge is on Allura’s team. He turns his head to look me in the eye and — I should help him. Right? Lance, what are you thinking, why would you want to help him escape this? He just beat your ass in an unfair fight and he almost choked you this morning. Oh, but the look in his eyes, he’s desperate for help and he’s asking me. My heart begins to pound, betraying my rational thoughts. Should I help him so he doesn’t get to have his hair braided back into a ponytail? Keith, with his hair braided back into a ponytail, now that makes my heart pound more than the way he’s looking at me. I want to see that, I’m sorry.

“Sorry, dude.” His face drops as he admits defeat, and Allura cheers with delight as she captures her victim.

“While I’m at it, maybe I should try a few makeup techniques on you, I’ve been dying to see what you would look like with a contour,” Allura says, but you can hear the sarcasm lacing her voice. At least, I can hear the sarcasm lacing her voice, I did spend a long time liking her before Keith.

Ten minutes later and Keith has his hair pulled back into a ponytail with two braids on either side and his bangs pinned back, Pidge is taking pictures, and Hunk is out of cookies. Keith’s verdict: not bad. He’s on the couch on the complete opposite side, so I don’t have to worry about him touching me, but seeing Allura get to run her fingers through his hair just got under my skin a bit. I wish I could do that.

“God, his hair really looks like Yuri’s hair from his free skate program.” I hear Pidge mumble under their breath while performing a quality check on the pictures.

“What?” Keith asks, obviously confused.

“Yuri Plisetsky, from the anime Yuri!!! On Ice,” Pidge responds as if it’s something we should all already know.

“How did you just say exclamation points out loud?” I ask, bewildered.

“Really? I just said I watched an anime about ice skating and you’re concerned with how I said the exclamation points out loud?”

“Well, I expected that, why wouldn’t you watch something that’s considered childish by some but can contain more blood and gore than anything else in mainstream media? Anime is literally a representation of you.”

“I mean, that show isn’t really badass, but thanks?”

“What else do you watch that I don’t know of? Well, more like did you watch before...”

“Game Theory,” Pidge responds immediately.

“Okay, same though, I watched them too.”

“I mean, come on, video games, math, and science? How could I not?”

“I was there more for the lore episodes,” I say truthfully.

“Really?” Pidge responds with a strong edge of sarcasm. Well, if they’re going to judge me for that, I’m changing the subject.

“Back to the topic of Keith’s hair, you did a really great job, Allura,” I say as I turn back towards Keith and Allura. Keith looks lost for some reason, and Allura is smiling at my compliment.

“Thank you. I spent a while braiding my own hair, and honestly, it was easier doing Keith’s. His texture isn’t as troublesome as mine is.” She strokes at some strands of her hair for emphasis. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Keith’s eyes suddenly widen, and turn to glare at me.

“Lance, I hate you so much,” he says.

“But why? I did nothing.”

“Exactly, you did nothing and now I have this weird hair. As punishment for this, your failure to win against me in a fight, and your horrible performance yesterday, you now have to train with me every day.”

“What?! Who made you the boss of me?”

“Shiro made me the boss, we’ve been over this. It’s for the good of the team and for the good of my mental health.”

“Your mental health?”

“Beating the shit out of you will get all those ideas of beating the shit out of you out of my head.”

“Now Keith, there’s no need to be that violent,” Allura says powerfully. “However, I do agree that Lance needs to train some more.”

“What?!” Allura, taking Keith’s side on something? Why?

“Yeah, you need to train, dude. Something’s been off recently with you and it’s messing with Voltron,” Hunk affirms. Has something been off about me?

“They’re right, it’s been getting harder to form Voltron recently. Train with Keith,” Pidge says. Oh fuck, it’s the fact that I’m in love with him, isn’t it? It’s the fear of touching him or him finding out that’s messing with the team. Damn it, I knew this would happen. Of course, they would notice something was up eventually.

“You heard the team, Lance,” Keith says.

“Yeah, yeah, fine, but I’m not happy about it,” I respond.

 

* * *

 

We’re training together, Keith and I. It’s our first training since the hair incident, and I hated waking up early for this, but it’s kind of fun. It’s also extremely challenging since he fights with his sword and I fight mostly with my gun. So here we are, him trying to fight off my bullets with his sword. Which isn’t a very good idea, since Keith is an idiot unlike me and isn’t wearing his paladin armor, but I tried to convince my Bayard to only shoot fake bullets, like a Nerf gun. Considering that Keith didn’t look scathed when I hit him, I guess the bullets are at least not as powerful as they usually are.

At least there was something good about this training, because the fact that we were training at all sucked, and that was the fact that I didn’t have to touch Keith. In fact, I was nowhere near him at all because of my sniper rifle! On the downside, I have to try and concentrate on shooting Keith, the person who I’m in love with. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy that I get to shoot him, after all, I hit him, which means I’m winning, but it’s hard when he’s not wearing his normal jacket and he’s sweaty and his shirt is sticking to his body.

When he had walked in for us to train, he looked like he normally did. He was wearing his jacket, gloves, and the rest of the stuff he normally wore, but once he said we were going to get started, he took off his jacket and tied back his hair. While Keith with his hair pulled back wasn’t new, the ponytail wasn’t perfect or braided back like how Allura did it. The ponytail was a bit messy, with some lumps in the hair pulled back. What unsettled me the most was knowing that when I had seen him train, he hadn’t tied his hair back at all, but this time, he was pulling it back and even pulling out a headband. I didn’t even know he owned a headband!

“Shoot already!” Keith yells, and my attention snaps back to the training and shooting him. I think he’s getting better at using his sword to block and not his shield, and I think I’m getting better at targeting fast and under pressure, but there’s no real way to track the progress. It’s only been a few hours, and we weren’t doing this the entire time either.

“Time!” Keith calls out, and I retract my Bayard. Keith’s in worse shape than I am, even though I was supposed to be the one training here. I go down so I’m back on the lower area of the training deck and meet up with Keith.

“So?” I ask. “What’s the verdict?”

“You’re doing better, that’s for sure. You even hit me a few times,” Keith says.

“This sounds like the concluding words of training. Is this a break or are we done training?”

“We’re done training, Lance.”

“Well, thanks, I guess, for taking one for the team and training with me, even if it is just revenge for whatever you think I did,” I say as I walk towards the exist, desperate to go shower, change, and relax.

“Hey,” Keith’s voice calls out to me as I walk out the door. I turn around to look at him.

“Can you tell the others that I’m going out again to look for Shiro?” Is he really going out with Black to try and find Shiro? I mean, there is no use in trying to stop him, even if he had just finished training and needed rest, but still, that doesn’t mean I don’t care.

“Yeah, I’ll tell them.” I walk out and let the door close behind me.

 

* * *

 

“Where’s Keith? Weren’t you guys training together?” Coran says as I walk into the lounge after showering and changing.

“You know Keith, he’s doing the usual.”

“Is he really out searching for Shiro again?” Allura says, exasperated.

“I mean, we all miss him, but he needs to rest,” Hunk says.

“I know he’s sad, he’s always sad, he’s our certified Emo, but like is this really the way for him to work out his feelings?” Pidge questions.

“Well, our trademark Emo never been good at feelings, just let him fly around in his lion. At least he can talk to them about whatever he’s feeling. He’s always coped alone and that’s probably just how he copes. Just leave him.”

“Wow, that was... incredibly insightful of you,” Allura points out.

“Yeah, didn’t expect that coming from you,” Pidge says.

“Hey, each of us has a thing, you know? I’m the people person, I can read people. It’s not that weird,” I say back, almost defensively.

“Lance is right, he is the one who always picks us up whenever one of us is down. I mean, he’s the reason Keith is even flying the Black Lion,” Hunk says. He’s always got my back, my bro.

“Hunk is right,” Coran adds.

“Maybe one day Keith will actually find him,” Pidge says after a long silence.

“Maybe,” Hunk replies after a short pause.

“For now, let’s just support him the best we can, okay?” I say, trying to lift the mood a bit. I don’t want us thinking about if Shiro is really gone, we need to know he’s out there like Pidge knows their brother is out there.

“Yeah,” the team responds, not all together, but as together as we can be right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, I hope this is in character for the time it's at in season 3. I'll probably go back through these eventually and make sure they're in character, but for now, this is what you got!


	4. You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being inactive lately! I went to SDCC, saw the Voltron panel, made some friends, and I'm here now! This chapter, as usual, is unread by anyone other than me, and unlike usual, isn't proofread by Grammarly.

"Come on, let’s go home.” The line is out of my mouth before I realize it, the adrenaline from the battle still coursing through my veins. It was a close one and some of us even had to leave our Lions to infiltrate the ship we were fighting. At least I was getting better due to the training I’ve been doing with Keith, but I was just glad to go back.

 _“Come on, let’s go home.”_ It’s only after we dock in the Castle of Lions, and I’m laying on my bed with my normal clothes on that I find myself questioning the sentence.

Home. It’s weird that I addressed the Castle of Lions as “home.” What about my actual home, what about Earth? What about my actual house, with my actual family? I find myself needing to be truly alone, so I walk and I find myself in an empty room in the castle, one that looks like the main deck but only has a console like Coran’s in front of the window. I sit down in front of the console, looking out at all the stars as my back leans against the metal. Earth is out there somewhere, my real home is out there somewhere.

I miss home. I miss my family. I miss being surrounded by people I could really be my true self around. There’s no one here like that, I mean, they just think I’m the goofball. Whenever I have concerns, they brush it off. Whenever I have a good idea, they brush it off as flirting. I just want someone to replace me as a paladin and take me home so I can be with my family. I know that I need to be here to protect my family from here, I want to be here because I want to help, but I don’t even know what’s happening down on Earth.

What happened when I left? Did the Garrison tell my family I had disappeared? Did they tell any of our families we were gone? Or did they do what they did for the Kerberos mission? Did they tell everyone we were dead? Did they not tell anyone at all? The Garrison, being a boarding academy, meant my family already didn’t see me enough. If the Garrison didn’t tell them, then they probably thought I was fine. It felt like it’s been so long though. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve seen them.

I miss them so much. I miss my sister, my brothers, my mom, my grandmother. I just want to be with them. I want to see them so bad. I remember playing games with them, giving my siblings piggy-back rides, helping my mom cook dinner, helping my grandmother in any way I possibly could.

I’m actually sobbing now. My eyes sting from wiping them and from the tears, my mouth is ejecting sounds that are similar to coughs, and my nose is starting to run.

If they were told I was dead, did they hold a funeral? Did the Garrison support them? Did anyone other than my family show up? Did they not give me one and hold on hope?

Or worse, did the Galra Empire already get to them? Are they the ones who are dead? No, not my family, not them! If they were dead, how would I keep on going?

"Hey, Lance, are you... okay?” I turn to my right, where the voice came from. I guess I was so occupied with my crying that I didn’t notice someone walking in. It’s Keith. Of course, it’s Keith, with my luck. I don’t really want him to see me like this, to see me weak. I don’t want him here, I’ll crave his touch and the comfort that his hug could give me and I’ll end up shocked. If I told him why I wasn’t okay, would he even understand? It’s best to just not tell him at all. I wipe my tears from my eyes and smile up at him.

“What? Ah, I’m okay.”

“You don’t seem okay. Are you sure?” Keith says.

“Yeah, no, it’s okay, I’m okay,” I say, stumbling a bit in my attempt to not worry him.

“You were literally sobbing a few seconds ago,” Keith says, deadpan as always.

“Space allergies, am I right?” I try to laugh it off, but it’s a pathetic attempt and it just trails off into silence. The silence stays for a moment, suffocating.

“I’m not the most comforting person — I’m not you or Hunk or Shiro — and I don’t understand sometimes — like the Voltron cheer— but maybe I can sit with you and listen if it helps,” Keith says. Keith, sitting next to me, trying to help me with emotions? My heart felt a needle go through it, a small stabbing feeling filling my chest. Bittersweet, that's the word that describes that feeling. I would love for him to sit down next to me — after all, I wish he could comfort me all the time, like the way I talked to him about his insecurities about piloting the Black Lion — but having him next to me makes accidental touching easier, which is not a good idea when I’m vulnerable because I won’t be able to hide my reaction to the shock.

“Go ahead and do what you want,” I say. I can’t just say no to him, it’s not really something I could say. He moves and sits down next to me, thankfully with a good amount of space between us still, leans back on the console, and looks out at the stars.

“There, now you’re a little less alone,” Keith says. Less alone, huh? I guess I’m not alone on this ship, at least not as alone as I thought I was. Keith saw me crying and stayed anyway. Keith, the person who was always guarding his heart, saw me, the people person, crying and decided to keep me company. Maybe I could trust him with how I felt homesick, even if he doesn’t really understand. But for now, I just want to be in the presence of someone else.

We sat there together, just staring at space, while my heart swelled from his presence here to comfort me. Space was so big, so wide, where was I even looking? Was I looking in the direction of Earth? From where we are, I know I won’t be able to see it, but maybe if I could just look in the same direction as it and know it’s in front of me, then I would feel a little more at home. I wasn’t too good at memorizing stuff like the stars at the Garrison, but maybe Keith would know. After all, he was number one before I got upgraded from a cargo pilot.

“Hey, Keith?” I speak up, softly.

“Yeah?” Keith replies at the same volume.

“Do you... know which direction Earth is?”

“What do you mean?” Of course, you would confuse Keith, Lance. Weirdo.

“Well, I thought it would be nice if we could look out and face Earth,” I say.

"We won’t be able to see it anyway, so why?” Keith questions rightfully.

“I just want to be able to face it.”

“Okay, uh, I don’t know which direction it is off the top of my head, but I’ll be back, so just wait a tick.”

"Okay.”

Keith leaves the room, and I’m all alone again, staring out into space. The stars are pretty though, the ones in the distance that I could see anyway. As someone who has now seen a star up close, I can proudly say that stars are only pretty from a distance. Up close, it’s just... scary. A burning mass capable of killing us all.

Suddenly, those burning masses move as the ship turns. It’s not too much turning, but it’s enough to feel that the ship has definitely moved.

Now I’m looking out in a different direction. I hear the door open behind me, and turn my head towards the sound to find Keith walking towards me. I raise my eyebrow at him as he sits back down exactly where he was sitting before.

“I asked Coran to help rotate the ship, and he obliged. It’s rotated so that from this room, we’re facing Earth exactly. I know we can’t really see it, but you said it would help, and I trust you, so...”

Keith did this for me? I didn’t even know he cared enough for that. I mattered? I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. Was I really going to cry in front of him again? As much as they threatened to spill, I managed to hold them back. Breathing in and out, I regain my composure slightly.

“What do you think is happening back there on Earth?” Keith says, breaking the silence.

“I don’t know.” It wasn’t something Keith normally did, open up. Then again, sometimes he was an open book. But maybe I could talk to him, after all, at least it would get it out of my head.

“I wonder what happened to my home after we left. Do you think everything is still there?” Keith says.

“Probably. It was a shack in the middle of nowhere. No one’s taking anything,” I say, my voice melancholy.

There's another pause in the air before I speak again.

"What do you think the Garrison did after we left?”

"What do you mean? If you’re talking about when I left, I doubt they took drastic measures. Shiro was my only family out there and he was up in space, considered dead. They had no one to contact about me anymore,” Keith says, confused.

"I mean, for me and Hunk and Pidge. I have a lot of family, and since the Garrison was a boarding academy, I didn't see them very often. But still, did the Garrison say we went missing after not showing up to classes? Did they call any family and tell them we were gone? Did they tell them we were dead like they did with Shiro? Or did they do nothing at all?”

“I don’t know, Lance,” Keith responds softly. But I keep on going.

“I mean, my entire family might be out there thinking I’m dead because we just jumped into Blue and shot into space without saying anything.”

“You’re impulsive like me sometimes and we didn’t know that Blue was going to take up to the Castle of Lions.”

“Yeah, but I should have thought about getting in the Lion through more before leaving people behind!” My voice rings out, echoing through the room. Keith is silent and all you can hear are our breaths.

“Things will work themselves out, Lance. I’m sure whatever the Garrison did, they did for a good reason. But for now, let’s look towards Earth and relax.”

"Keith, how can I relax?”

“Lance, you’ll be okay. Look out at the stars with me. Look towards Earth with me.” Earth.

“Okay, Keith.” I didn’t realize until after I calmed down that in that moment, I had stopped worrying about Keith touching me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My next chapter will be longer, but I hope you enjoyed this! In all seriousness, any comments or criticism is welcomed, especially is characters sound off.


	5. So

Everyone in the ship seems to brush off my worries, so having Keith by my side felt… fulfilling in a way. I wonder if I could tell him other things too, things that the other people on the ship just ignore. It’s crazy that I fell in love with him without even really opening up to him, and without him really opening up to me. But I think Shiro being gone is what caused me to go off the deep end for him for real.

Before Shiro went missing, we just had a weird rivalry/teammate thing going on where we didn’t really talk to each other too much outside of missions and such. But now, we’re kind of depending on each other in battles. Kind of like how Shiro depended on Keith, Keith depends on me. But I can’t just compare our dynamic to their dynamic, it’s nothing alike. Besides, Shiro is still missing. How could I be thinking about a “good side” to any of this?

I still just… I want to get to know Keith better. I love him, how could I not want to? I wish that he would open up to me and just be himself, not the “emo to the extremo” I already appreciate. Sometimes I see glimpses of him when I walk in the hallways, like I hear him humming a tune as I head to the training center, or when I see that he did a good job during training so I tell him and he does this tiny little smile that you can barely notice unless you look for it. That’s the Keith I want to get to know better, the Keith that cracks jokes to Hunk on missions and the Keith that smirked before he drove his bike off a damn cliff.

I wish we could just talk more about the deep things too, not just if he prefers pancakes or waffles. More like what his family situation was, the meaning of life, if he’s ever fallen in love and felt the shocks. Or just how he feels when he goes out and looks for Shiro. No matter how amazing I am at reading people, I can only be there for him to a certain extent. I can really only be there for him if he opens up.

Then again, Lance, you’re such a fucking hypocrite. Always thinking no one wants to comfort you, braving your shit alone because you couldn't bother trying to open up to everyone. Mostly because you thought they would brush you off like they always do. Keith doesn’t brush me off, but how is Keith supposed to be there for me if I don’t tell him?

Then again, what am I supposed to tell him? That Blue shouldn’t have chosen me? That when Blue rejected me for Allura, I knew that Blue had finally realized that I wasn’t worthy of her? I mean, how could I be worthy of flying a Voltron Lion? I was only a cargo pilot before Keith “left,” not good enough at anything to do anything else, like Hunk and Pidge.

How am I supposed to tell him that I’m just a goofball like Pidge said, not a sharpshooter or anyone that is really of any value to the team, that I’m just the comic relief? How am I supposed to tell him that I’m only piloting Red because it chose me to be a replacement for Keith, just like I was back at the Garrison when Keith dropped out? In this ship, Red didn't have much of choice for people. It was either Allura (who Blue chose), Coran (a pilot who tried approaching Red before), or me. It chose me, yes, but not because of anything really important. I’m just a back-up to keep Keith’s seat warm, only here until Shiro gets back. If he gets back.

Then again, it isn’t surprising, I’ve always been a backup, a fifth wheel. I’m just... dead weight. I’m the one that’s actually by themselves, not Keith. Keith’s always been alone, sure, but when Shiro was here, they actively sought out each other. Allura and Coran hang out together often, probably because they’re the only Alteans on board and sometimes, they just need to reminisce about it. Pidge and Hunk, no matter how close we were as a trio back at the Garrison, they mostly seek out each other. Even though I consider Hunk my best friend, he seeks out Pidge more than he seeks out me. They just... fit together, I guess, with their brains and smarts and abilities. I’m just here. I don’t have skills like Keith, after all, there's a reason I was only put into the fighter class because he dropped out. The only thing I’m good at is talking to people to make sure they don’t feel alone, and that’s only because I’m the one that feels alone.

Are those the feelings I should really be telling Keith right now? Should I really burden him with my own pity stories when he's already devastated over losing Shiro?

He’s our leader and he’s still not used to being in charge even though it’s been a while. Do I want to be another burden of feelings for Keith to carry into battle?

I can never be a burden of feelings for Keith. I can’t. Not in this way, not with my feelings of love for him, not with my shocks either.

* * *

 "Keith found him!” What?

I fell asleep in my clothes? Wait, was that Hunk yelling? Why was Hunk yelling?

“Keith found Shiro, come quick!”

Keith found Shiro? Keith found Shiro. He found him! I rush to where Allura and Coran are, only to see that they’re already preparing the ship to open a wormhole to the coordinates of Black Lion.

We’ve been waiting and looking for Shiro for so long, and he’s actually still out there alive! He's alive and Keith found him and never gave up on him. We arrive at the coordinates, to Keith and Shiro, and the Black Lion flies in and docks.

When Keith brings Shiro in, I’m not even sure that’s actually Shiro. His hair has grown out extremely long, shoulder-length, and he’s got stubble. He’s been gone awhile, so it makes sense why these things would happen, it just isn't the clean look I’m used to. Plus, he’s horribly injured, and Keith explains that the ship he found Shiro in was out of oxygen. If we hadn’t found him, if Keith hadn’t found him, Shiro might not be alive. Coran takes Shiro to put him in the cryo-pod and no matter how much any of us wants to wait, especially Keith, Coran makes us go back to our rooms. We all need some sleep still.

* * *

 If Keith was there for me the last time I was down, I can tell him about my worries now. Maybe I can’t tell him about my other worries, but at least I can tell him about the one that’s bugging me the most. I knock on Keith’s door.

“Yeah?” he replies, muffled through the door. I hope I didn’t interrupt him doing anything. Although, he was probably thinking about Shiro being back. The door opens and I see Keith, standing there, as I walk in.

“Hey, man. I just wanted to talk with you because, well, because I've been worrying about something,” I say. That’s an understatement. At the point it’s gotten to, I’m not just worrying anymore.

“Must really be bothering you if you're coming to talk to me,” he says, a smirk donning his face already. Really, Keith? You forgot what happened already? Are you kidding me?

“Well, I mean, you're the leader now, right?” I say, trying to play it off. If he’s not going to mention what happened in the room I now call the star room, then I won’t mention it either.

After a brief pause, Keith replies, “I guess.” Is he doubting his leadership again? Is he doubting why Shiro chose him? Or is his worrying about the same thing I am?

“I've been doing some math. With Shiro back, that makes six paladins, but there are only five lions, and if I'm right, that's one paladin too many,” I say, holding up fingers to correspond to each number. I hope what I said made sense.

“Solid math.”

“Look, when Shiro takes over the Black Lion, you're going to want your Red Lion back. If I get a lion, I'd have to take Blue from Allura. But she's progressed a lot faster than any of us did. She might even be able to unlock powers we don't know of,” I say.

“That's true,” Keith replies.

“So, maybe the best thing I can do for the team is step aside.”

“What are you talking about?” He’s confused for some reason. I thought that of all people, he would understand.

“This isn't a participation game. This is war. And you want your best soldiers on the front lines,” I say. I’m not the best soldier for this war and Keith should know that.

“Stop worrying about who flies what and just focus on your missions. Things will work themselves out,” Keith says, trying to comfort me. Well, he’s doing a worse job than before. And he wants me to focus on the mission, of course. It’s the mission first, because who cares about who flies what? I care. As much as I want to be on this team, I know that I’m not the best one for it. Keith is better than me in the Red Lion, Shiro is better than Keith in the Black Lion, and Allura is better than me in the Blue Lion.

“Okay. Thanks,” I say as I leave. I know I sound dejected, but I don’t care. It’s not as if he made me feel any better about the situation anyway. How am I not supposed to worry about it?

“And, Lance,” Keith says, pausing, “leave the math to Pidge.”

* * *

 Later, I’m sitting in the lounge with Pidge and Hunk, but I’m not really there. I’m busy thinking about the paladin situation, and whatever the hell happened in Keith’s room. And Keith. Of course, I’m thinking about Keith too. I went to him because he’s our leader, he’s supposed to know what to do, but he doesn’t know anything either. Does he plan to sacrifice his own position, to stay in the castle and let me fly Red?

I know that I’m scared that I can’t fly with Keith anymore, but I don’t him to be the one grounded. I don’t want him stuck where he isn’t piloting something because that’s where he belongs, behind the controls of something powerful and fast. He even has those fingerless gloves which are basically made for flying. **He** was basically made for flying. It was made clear to me the second we flew together in that squadron for the first time at the Garrison and he flew on ahead instead of staying in formation.

“All paladins to your lions immediately.” Allura’s voice rings through the halls. I jolt out of my seat. Fuck, an attack?! I bolt up and race to Red’s cockpit to fight.

* * *

“What was wrong with you today, Lance?” Keith says, concern lacing his voice.

“Don’t touch me.” My voice is shaking and quiet, almost a whisper. The shock, the electricity that happens when I touch him, I don’t want what happened to my father to happen to me. I don’t want to die by the hands of someone I love.

“Does anyone know what’s up?” Keith asks. Everyone shakes their head. Stop trying to pry, Keith.

He sighs, runs his fingers through his stupid mullet, and looks me in the eyes. My heart is pounding, I can’t breathe, my voice is going higher. I can’t deal with this.

“Listen, I have no idea why you started freaking out during the mission. I get that you were falling off of a cliff, but why did you only start freaking out when I tried to save you?”

“Keith, just _stop_.”

“Lance, just tell me what’s going on. Maybe I can help,” Keith says as he reaches towards me. Is he trying to touch my shoulder?! I don’t want to feel **that** again!

“DON’T TOUCH ME! JUST GET AWAY!” I scream, unable to stop the words, and jerk away from him, frantically stepping back towards the wall, as far away as I could. Everyone’s eyes widen, the surprise and fear evident on their faces, but they don’t move. Except for Keith. His face was straight, he was unfazed by my words. I keep backing up, but no matter how much distance I try to put between him and me, he just kept trying to get closer.

“This is going to affect the team, just get over it.” His voice isn’t concerned anymore. He’s monotone as usual. How does he not get it?

“I can’t get over it!” The words tumble out of my mouth, somewhere between a mumble and a scream, but I don’t know anymore. I can’t think. The words just continue to flow out.

“How am I supposed to just get over this? How am I just supposed to just let you touch me? You can’t touch me!” They stream out non-stop, the words so fast they almost overlap each other. My stomach feels like how Hunk’s must feel like on a daily basis, constantly churning.

“Lance, please,” Keith says, drawing my attention back to him and my stupid fucking feelings.

“Just tell me why I can’t touch you,” he says, pleadingly.

“No.” My voice shakes as I say it.

“If I can't touch you, how can I rescue you on missions or pull you out of the way of something stupid like today?”

“Just let me do my thing!” I speak, louder than I usually would, but I have no control over my voice anymore. I have no control, and my thoughts refuse to stay contained in my head.

“Just let me do my thing,” I say under my breath. “Just let me do my thing and if I die, so be it.”

A silence looms over the room. A heavy silence. The other’s must have heard, even if I did say it quietly.

“Lance, you can’t just die on us,” Allura says, breaking the silence with gloom in her voice.

“Yeah, we need you so we can form Voltron, and, you know, save the world?” Pidge chimes in, their voice still somehow shaking despite their cold words.

“Lance, you can't just go dying on us, so don’t say that!” Hunk says.

“Shiro’s just about back. He’s already here, you know. He just needs to recover,” I say, my voice steady and threatening as I try to make my point. “I told this to Keith, but there’s one paladin too many with Shiro back. Shiro takes back Black, Keith gets Red, and Allura keeps Blue. She’s already bonded with Blue enough to unlock the sonic boom thing. Allura should keep Blue, she’s bonding with her so much faster than I did.” Everyone bonded stronger and faster than I did. Blue was the first one to be found. I’ve been with my Lion longer than anyone else here, yet most of Voltron unlocked powers faster than me and bonded with their Lions faster than I truly bonded with Blue.

“And that just leaves me, the paladin truly that isn’t needed.”

“But that doesn’t mean we don’t need **you** , Lance,” Allura says, trying to be comforting.

“Allura’s right, we need you,” Coran chimes in.

“For what? I’m the goofball, I’m useless. When have I ever actually been helpful in this entire thing, huh? Tell me.”

“You’ve been helpful tons of times, Lance,” Hunk says. “After all, we wouldn’t be here without you. Allura wouldn’t be awake, the Lions would have never been found, and we wouldn’t have become a team.”

“Yeah, sure, I helped us get together, Hunk. But if everyone else is gone on missions, what can I do around the castle, clean? That’s the only thing I can do. You and Pidge, at least you guys can work on tech stuff in the castle while everyone else is on missions. I can’t do anything.”

Everyone is silent. Everyone, except Keith, is looking down at their laps, twiddling thumbs, because they know I’m right. Keith’s still standing in front of me, his head looking down at his shoes. He’s the only one who didn’t speak up after what I said about dying.

“You’re going to jeopardize the whole team just because you don’t want me to touch you,” he suddenly speaks, breaking the silence. “You would rather **die** than let me touch you if it’s an emergency so I can save you.” His voice is distant like he’s not really there.

“I know that I’m selfish a lot. I do things that I think are best and want to ignore what everyone else says and how everyone else feels, but you? You’re more selfish than me, willing to put everything in danger just because of skin contact. You would rather make us have to find a new paladin if the Lions reject us. You would rather die than stay with us if necessary.” His head is still down, his hands are curled into fists.

“Fuck you, Lance. Fuck you,” he spits out before turning on his heel and stomping away, head still down. “I’m leaving. I’m taking Black. No one look for me. I need to cool off.”

The words he said, he only cares about the team. About the dynamic, about having to find a new paladin, about what he has to do if  I die. He doesn’t care if I die as a person, only as a piece of a puzzle. I’m such a fool for loving you. Only fools would love you.

I collapse against the wall I was leaning against, curl into a ball, and cry. The others are still here. I scream at them to leave, leave me alone, to fuck off. I need to cry alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I was looking over the episode where the Lance and Keith scene is from and discovered that Shiro already woke up before that moment happened. So, I guess my story is kind of canon-divergent here. Shiro just isn't awake yet, but the lion situation still a valid worry of Lance's. Shiro isn't going to be waking up for a bit, so just wait on this too.  
> That aside, this is a part I was really looking forward to posting. I wanted to post this on Lance's birthday but I figured that he didn't deserve this on his birthday. I hope that you guys are looking forward to the time while Shiro is back!  
> Please leave and comment and let me know what you thought of this chapter. Comments really mean the world to me.


	6. Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took so long to come, but it's finally here and I'll probably be updating faster now! Enjoy!

I skip breakfast for the first time in a while. I don’t want to eat the space goo in awkward silence, everyone wanting to ask me what’s wrong and what happened. I can already feel their eyes digging into my skin, someone just waiting for another person to bring it up first. So I skip and stay in bed a little later than usual.

Later, when I peek into the lounge area, Allura is there, sitting and facing the door. Waiting. Waiting for me to come in so she can ask me about what happened.

So, I try to go to the kitchen. Maybe there I can get something to replace the breakfast I missed. But when I peek my head in to look, Hunk is in there, baking something. And I love Hunk, truly, but he could only skate around the topic for so long before he asked. I don’t want him to ask. I mean, he does already know about me being in love with Keith, but I haven’t told him about the feeling of worthlessness I felt. And I know he cares, but can I really deal with that right now?

I can’t.

I try to escape to the medical bay, but Coran is there checking on Shiro. With Coran, there are only two possible scenarios. One is that he gets distracted talking about something and forgets to ask all about what happened. But the other, more likely scenario is that he brings it up right away, either casually referenced or straight on. I don’t think I can handle him right now, no matter how much he might have felt the same way during his supposed “emo” days. Personally, I don’t believe Allura when she says that he went through that phase, but who knows what Coran has been through? All I know is that I don’t want to have to deal with talking to him about it. Or anyone at all. I guess it’s a good thing that Shiro isn’t out of the pod yet because if he was here, he would have hounded me in my room already and tried to talk to me about it. And maybe, if Shiro was here, I would have talked to him about it.

But he’s not.

Maybe visiting Red would be good, since Red would keep anyone away from me and protect me. Maybe I could curl up in the cockpit and just let Red understand how I feel. But when I try to head to the hangar, I see Pidge, sitting around doing fucking whatever on their computer. To be honest, half the time I don’t know what Pidge is working on, but whenever I look, it just looks like coding. I just don’t get what they’re coding. Pidge cares, that I know. No matter how much they try to brush it off, they care. But I couldn’t distract Pidge from talking about it. When I walk in, Pidge will know and ask and I wouldn’t be able to stop them. Distracting wouldn’t work. Telling them I don’t want to talk about it wouldn’t work either, because Pidge would call bullshit since I _always_ want to talk about something. It’s usually Keith, but this time it’s not. Red will have to wait another day.

There’s only one place where no one should be: my constellation room. It’s not technically mine, but that room that looks like the main deck but only has a console like Coran’s in front of the window is something that I consider mine. It’s truly like my home away from home. I’ve even fallen asleep under the stars before, a while after I first found it.

So I go to my constellation room. The doors open.

Keith. He’s standing behind the console where I usually sit, and he’s just looking up and around at the stars, but he turns towards the door and towards me and—

“Lance.”

Nope. Nope. Nope. I am not doing this. I am not dealing with Keith and the fact that he remembered where the room was after only being in here once or twice, or with that fact that he knew I would come here, or with the fact that he looks more concerned than I’ve ever really seen him, or the fact that the way things are glowing around him makes him look soft and caring.

So I bolt.

Should I be going to my room, where should I go?!

The room will be the first place they expect me to return to. Keith will head there.

The gaming room. If I close it up well enough, they won’t be able to tell that I’m in there. Plus, the only person who really comes in here is Pidge, who only sometimes brings Hunk. And Pidge didn’t see me and should still be occupied at the hangars.

So I run to the game room and close the door behind me.

Maybe, if I immerse myself in Killbot Phantasm I, I won’t even need to be cautious. So I pick up the controller.

* * *

 I’ve spent a lot of time playing Killbot Phantasm I recently. I’m actually almost to the final boss, but I had to grind levels for a long ass time before I could even challenge _this_ boss. I choose my attack strategy carefully for this turn.

“So, what’s with the game you and Pidge bought when we went to that space mall?” Keith speaks up from behind me, but I won’t lose my concentration.

“Oh, the one we bought when we got Kaltenecker?”

“Yeah, is it good?” The voice now coming from my side.

“Oh, it’s good alright, but it’s hard to beat some of the bosses.” Come on, just survive this attack and we can beat it, **come on,** FUCK, and now my entire party is dead. Just great.

“Does it do multiplayer?” Keith asks. I sigh. I just died after working on this boss for _hours_ and he wants to know if this game has multiplayer?

“No, Keith. It doesn’t do multiplayer,” I say, the frustration leaking through my voice.

“Oh,” Keith says. Ah shit, I shouldn’t take my frustration out on him. But he does sound disappointed. Did he want to play with me?

“We do have other games that do though,” I say as I turn towards him now, not wanting to look at my failure on the screen. He’s pretty close, sitting literally right next to me. What if we accidentally touch? I feel my heart start beating and scoot an inch away from him.

“Can... I play with you?” Keith says as he raises his eyebrow, clearly puzzled by my movement. Lance, you are way too obvious. But Keith wants to play with me. He wants to play a game with me. That’s so unlike him, really wanting to get involved with others' interests. I can’t help but be kind of happy. It makes my heart beat faster. Shit, he needs an answer.

“With me or against me?” I say, with a smirk. God, please say you want to play against me so I can be more concerned with our rivalry than how fast my heart is pounding.

“Uh... against you,” Keith says. Thank the Lord Jesus Christ for blessing me on this holy day, for not making this shit harder for me. Then again, I’m pretty sure if I died right now, I would be going to Hell, so Jesus doesn’t really love me anyway.

Despite all that, I pull out the stash of games Pidge, Hunk, and I hid, rifle through it, and load up Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. I was really surprised when I saw this in the store, and even more surprised that they somehow had a version that would work for the console we had, considering it was kind of vintage. But aliens are cool and have _way_ more advanced tech, so porting a game, and porting it well, was probably nothing.

In my _humble_ opinion, I’m pretty good at this game. I’m just not good against Pidge or Hunk. Pidge, they also know how to use cheats and glitches to their advantages, unlike me, who prefers not to cheat. Plus, they choose their character based on tier-ranking and not on the aesthetic, like you should be when playing casually. Hunk’s a good guy, doesn’t cheat, but he just chooses really good characters, karts, and other kart accessories. When I asked him about it, he told me that he just tested out which characters worked best and with which karts and accessories. Honestly, that’s just badass in my opinion. I mean, when I play with them, I _suppose_ I could sacrifice using my character for one that’s more optimal, but I'm a ride-or-die kind of dude and there is **no way** I am leaving behind Princess Peach.

“I do have to warn you,” I say to Keith as I hand him his controller, “I consider myself to be pretty good at this game.”

He smirks, and my breath catches.

“Bring it on.”

***

“Ha! I won! Suck it, Keith!” I scream, adrenaline pumping through my veins.

“Hey, it was Rainbow Road! I call it unfair!” I’m looking at him, and his face is somehow flushed. He’s adorable. My heart picks up again.

“Keith, you were the one who  _chose_ Rainbow Road!”

“And? Still unfair. I want a rematch on the other Rainbow Road with the Thwomps!” Never did I think that Keith would be a sore loser about Mario Kart, but yet, here we are.

“Bring it, Keith! Peach is still totally going to beat Link!”

“You know you’re wrong, and I’m gonna prove it!” Keith says right as I click to load up the map.

We drive on Rainbow Road from the SNES in silence, concentrating intensely. I have on manual drift — excuse me, I **need** that boost of speed — which puts a lot at stake on this stage, especially if I get distracted and miss a sharp turn.

“Hey, Lance,” Keith says, breaking the silence.

“Yeah?” I say offhandedly. Shit, here comes a turn, and...

“What happened the other day?” Keith asks. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, and he’s still looking at the screen. Oh, this is why he came. He came to talk about that. Of _course_. He didn’t actually come to play with me, he just used it as an excuse. I miss my drift and shoot off the edge, accidentally giving Keith the advantage.

“Nothing,” I say. It’s half-true. Nothing did happen, or at least it was nothing to the people who weren’t there. I mean, he _was_ there, but I'm still not wrong. It's just another variation of "It's five o'clock somewhere" as an excuse. My heart is sinking.

“Lance, you can trust me,” he says. It almost sounds like a plead. It hurts. I do trust him. How could he think that? I trust him every day when we go into battle, I trust him to have my back. I trust him. I just don’t want to tell him why he can’t touch me.

Because telling him that would mean telling him that I love him.

“I do trust you,” I say. “I just don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” he says.

Keith wins.

* * *

People have always called me touchy. I mean, usually, they aren’t meaning that in terms of emotions (even though it still applies), but more in terms of me touching people. I tend to touch people a lot. It just feels natural to hug people, drape my arms over their shoulders, use them as an armrest, link arms, hold hands, etc., but with Keith, I find myself hesitating. I mean, part of it is respect for his personal space, but that’s also something that I didn’t really care about before I fell in love with him. After all, I used to take every opportunity I could to touch his skin because it was so soft. He must have whiplash, _honestly_. I went from touching his skin whenever possible to not touching him at all. So yeah, the other part of why I don’t casually touch him anymore is because of the shocks. That’s obvious enough.

So, even after he  _saves my fucking life_ without touching me as I asked a few days ago, I can’t hug him to thank him. All I can do is just look him in the eyes and say, “Thank you.”

His eyebrows raise inwards and his eyes narrow for a second, and if he says “Vol..tron?” like he did the last time he looked at me like this, I will _scream_. But it disappears off his face just as fast as it appeared, and I don’t even know if I actually saw that at all.

“No problem.” He nods. “You would have done the same for me.”

And yet somehow, I’m not doing the same at all. If touching you brings me death and pain, I somehow don’t do it anyway.

“Yeah,” I lie. Would I die for him?

Maybe in another way. I would take his place as a hostage, or die for him in any way other than touching him.

Because touching him, touching him meant that it was my love for him that killed me, my selfishness and want for him killing me. Taking a bullet or a bomb for him? It could be put off as a paladin sacrifice. Hell, I’ve done it for multiple people, including that rouge Rover scenario.

But dying from touching Keith? I couldn’t do it.

And I know that the best option here, for all of us, would be for me to fall out of love with Keith. And I want to. For the team, for him, for me. But it’s impossible right now.

I see him so often. We’re forced to work together; I have to see him even if I want to get over him. And I know that there’s no reason for Keith to love me, especially because he doesn’t get shocks as I do. And he can’t. Even the cryo-pod said so when we gave him a test, and it had knowledge of human anatomy.

I hate the shocks; I really do. If I didn’t have them, maybe I would risk my life for Keith.

Maybe I would choose to die for him.

If only I could get over him.

If Keith wasn’t here with me all the time, would it be easier to fall out of love with him? There’s the whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” shit, but would it?

I know he won’t just go away anytime soon, but I keep a flicker of hope in my heart that he might.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this... foreshadowing?
> 
> In other notes, I had that Mario Kart scene planned out for so long, so I'm really glad that it finally came into play! I hope you guys liked this chapter. I know it isn't really that long, but there's more coming (hopefully) soon! This story turned in a different direction than I originally planned, but I think it will turn out okay.
> 
> Stay tuned!


	7. Somehow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been so long since I posted this! I'm so sorry for the delay, I keep getting sidetracked! But, without further ado, here is another chapter!
> 
> And, as always, this chapter has only been proofread by Grammarly, so please tell me if you see any weird spots!

Shiro’s having trouble remembering how he escaped the Black Lion during the attack. In all honesty, it just worries me. Shiro’s been through a lot; it’s not surprising he would forget anything. That’s not really what I’m worried about. What I’m more worried about is Shiro himself. He basically ran out of oxygen, was starving, and just floating in space waiting for us. Yeah, the pod should have healed his body, but it can’t really heal his memories. It’s not like any fear or desperation or stress from his time escaping and his time trying to find us can be erased.

That’s why I’m worried. I’m just worried about Shiro’s mental wellbeing. I’ve been in that pod enough to know that it doesn’t heal your mind or anything like that. Well, it can heal your actual brain, like if it got damaged. At least, I’m pretty sure it can. I have to ask Coran or Pidge or something. Anyway, that’s not my point. My point is that those machines won’t fix anything like PTSD or stress or any other events that have traumatized him or left him scarred in a way. Shiro was gone and healing for quite some time. Should we even let him out into battle?

On one hand, I know that Shiro is kind of what this team needs. We basically fell apart after he disappeared. Keith, he’s getting better as a leader, yes, but he’s no Shiro. There could never be another Shiro. And I know that Shiro would bring back our order and would just bring back our team. Plus, he’s a capable pilot, more capable than me anyway.

And on the other hand, I wish that Shiro would stay here. He’s been through so much shit already. I don’t really think I want him to go through anymore. If he gets even more stressed, his entire head will go white like that tuft of hair he has. If he vanishes while in battle again, the entire team will fall apart even more than last time. Keith, he would be fucking devastated. Losing him for the third time would break him. Shiro’s like his brother, and Keith, he’s always been very guarded. I mean, he’s comforted me, but I’ve hardly seen him get close to anyone. The closest I’ve gotten to Keith in an emotional aspect is when I gave him support for piloting the Black Lion.

It’s just, why am _I_ still on the team and not Shiro? He’s way more capable than me. He awakened and yet, he’s still here. He’s grounded. Not me, not Keith, Shiro. I don’t like this one bit. I can’t control what the Lions think and who they chose, but I just know that I’m not really the right one. He’s a leader, I’m just someone. I mean, yes, I’ve gotten better. I’ve gotten more adjusted to the controls of Red and I’m really getting good at flying Red, but that doesn’t mean I belong. Shiro is amazing at flying, I mean, he went on the Kerberos Mission _as_ the pilot. And Keith, he’s a natural. I’ve heard Shiro say it enough, heard Shiro talk about how he recruited Keith. Keith, he just acts on instinct. The way he flies is like watching poetry in motion. It’s like he was born for this in a way.

But there’s nothing I can do. The Lions choose who they choose. We can't make them choose a better pilot. I can’t make Red or Blue choose Shiro. Red chose me, and still chooses me. This is something I just have to deal with.

* * *

I hate this. It’s almost every day now that I sneak off to my constellation room to be alone. And everyone can tell that something is off with me. I mean, I’m the social one. I go around and annoy other people while they work because I need the company. And since I’m not trying to keep myself company, people are starting to get suspicious. But what else am I supposed to do? Just go to everyone and keep on a fake smile like I’m fine?

They’ll see through this one right away.

I just I wish that I could just do something about the Lion situation. I want it to change so badly. I want Voltron to be the best Voltron it can be.

But there’s nothing I can do. I’ve already been over this a million times, but every time I try and even imagine changing this, those words just remind me.

“It was always meant to be. It was written in the stars.” What book was that quote from? Fuck, I can’t remember the title but it was like this children’s book with a prince and a princess or something? That was one of my favorite books as a kid and that line was always my favorite. No matter how many people came between them, they were meant to be together. No one could change that fate.

I can’t change fate. I can’t change this situation with the Lions. The world won’t let it be.

I pull my fuzzy blanket up so it sits over my shoulders, and I close my eyes. I wish I could actually  _do_ stuff with my hands. If only I had remembered my Snuggie the night we rescued Shiro.

_Shwoop._

My eyes fly open. Someone opened the door. Lance, stay quiet and maybe no one will notice you’re here.

“Lance?”

_Keith?_

Keith never comes to me.

“Oh fuck, _oh fuck,_ Lance isn’t here.”

“I’m over here,” I say immediately. If Keith came to me, something must be up.

He comes around and I can finally see him. He’s... not wearing his jacket. And something just looks... off.

Keith sits next to me and, instead of looking at me, looks out at the stars.

“Lance, help me.”

_Badump._

“What’s wrong, Keith?”

He’s breathing deeply.

“I... I don’t know,” he says.

And yet, despite everything, despite knowing that Keith is awkward with people and describing how he feels, I ask him just that.

“Describe it to me?”

And it all comes tumbling out.

His hand moves and covers his face, the only uncovered part being his mouth. “It's like, all I can do is take deep breaths. My heart feels like it's confined, but also not confined tightly, not like spandex tight but more like an elastic waistband because it's tight enough to keep you together when relaxed, but it can also get too tight sometimes when you breathe in.”

Keith must’ve been thinking about this a lot. The words are specific and they aren’t choppy like someone trying to put together their thoughts for the first time. It’s like he’s had this feeling in his heart before and he’s been thinking of how to describe it for a long time.

He takes another deep breath. “And it feels heavy like it's got a pile of rocks in it, but it's more like a pile of pebbles filling it halfway because it's not heavy enough to sink, but it's still weighed down. And it also feels like someone has tied a small helium-filled balloon to it to try and counteract the pebbles but the pebbles are winning. It's like my heart has sucked everything out of my body into it, like it's drained all the feeling out of every part into this small container and it's the only thing you can feel,” Keith says. This... is more emotion than I’ve ever seen come out of Keith. _Ever._ But this feeling he describes, it’s so familiar.

“I’m so scared, Lance.” His voice shakes just a little and he hides his head into his knees. I can barely see the fingers he has gripping his face. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.”

I just look at him, not that he can see me. I don’t know what to do. If I say something, he might stop talking and I don’t want that. I don’t want him to stop. He’s probably been holding stuff in for a long time, considering how emotional he’s being at the moment. It’s like a dam broke. So I stay silent.

“I mean, I don’t even know if I can _handle_ flying the Black Lion anymore. It didn’t go back to Shiro like it was supposed to.”

The hand he has covering his face grips it just a little bit tighter.

“It was _supposed_ to go back to Shiro,” he says, voice shaking. “And, I mean, he’s safer in the ship, but _what if_ he never gets to fly again?”

Shiro, not being able to fly anymore? Even thinking about it makes a shiver go up my spine. It just feels inherently _wrong._

“I just—I can’t handle losing him _again_ and I can’t handle seeing him grounded. He’s like my brother. _I can’t lose him_.”

None of us can. But the rest of the crew isn’t as close to Shiro as Keith is, and by saying that, I feel like I would invalidate his feelings. But I _need_ to reassure him or  _something._

So I say the only thing I can think of.

“Keith, everything will be okay.” I give him a small smile, not like he can see it.

“...What?” His voice is soft and almost raspy.

“The feeling you described, the empty feeling, I feel like that a lot too. Really often, actually. Sometimes, you just feel kind of empty inside. And you just have to live with it and keep on going.” It’s fucking horrible to do so.

I lace my fingers together. “Sometimes, you just have to pretend that nothing is wrong and stay strong.” I’ve done that more than enough times. Someone asks if I am okay, and I say I’m fine, but I’m not. And I’ve tried to get rid of it.

“There are just some times that the feeling stays no matter what you do to try and quell it, no matter what song you listen to or what jokes you hear.”

He turns his head up to look at me. His eyes are red and he’s clearly been crying and I want to take care of him, but I have to finish first.

“ _But,_ there are also times where friends make it feel better and remind you that everything will turn out okay. That everything is safe. There’s this quote that I heard — ah, shit. What is it? Oh! ‘Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.’”

Keith snorts. “That’s a pretty optimistic outlook.”

Well, even if I don’t believe it, sometimes we just need to fake it and cling to it like it’s the only thing left for us.

“Well, it’s what I believe,” I lie.

“Thanks, Lance. For being here and listening.”

“It’s all I’m good for,” I say. And I mean every word.

* * *

Kala, the leader of this planet’s people, points at Keith. “He’s not allowed to be here.”

“What do you mean?” Shiro says. We just finished a battle with the Galra forces on this planet — one where we even had to get out of the Lions and fight them by hand, due to the base having a function that would devastate the entire planet if attacked like that — and now we’re getting sass about  _winning_?

“He’s Galra,” she says, sneering.

“What? How can they tell? We didn’t even know until he activated a _glowing blade_!” I whisper into the helmet.

“Well, this species has attuned noses. They are more sensitive to smell, and can even smell down to the genetic level,” Coran says over the comms.

“Yeah, also his eyes went yellow during the fight,” Pidge says.

Must have happened when he was protecting the villagers with his Bayard from the onslaught of soldiers as Shiro helped them escape to the pods. Pidge **would** notice something like that. Unsurprising there. But still, the most surprising part is that Keith’s eyes even went yellow at all.

I raise an eyebrow. “What got him so angry?”

Pidge smirks, and I _know_ that smirk. “Well, you see—”

“Pidge. Shut the fuck up,” Keith brashly interrupts. “You promised.”

“I mean, I _technically_ promised I wouldn’t bring it up, but fine.”

“Stop the incessant side commentary,” Kala says. “We don’t want that _thing_ on our planet.”

That _t_ _hing_? Did she just call Keith a **fucking** ** _thing_** **?** Oh  _hell_ no. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Pidge’s hand squeezing their Bayard tighter. And Hunk? Hunk is about to throw hands. His teeth are clenched hard from trying to hold back and at that level, it won’t last long.

“Paladins, I’m just as upset about this as you are, but this is a very important diplomatic mission. I don’t know if we can afford to lose this ally. Either Keith goes, we negotiate something, or we lose them,” Coran says.

Are you fucking  _kidding_ me? Coran sounds so calm, but somehow even Allura is pissed. She’s standing stiffer than ever.

“If the Galran stays, we go. We will not ally ourselves with a team that fraternizes with the enemy,” Kala says.

We’re stuck. I kind of want to attack this bitch, but first of all: not a very paladin thing, and second of all: this planet has important resources. It’s not my decision about what to do here.

“...okay.” It’s so small, I would have missed it if I wasn’t always looking for Keith’s voice.

“What?” It leaves my mouth before I notice. He did not just say what I thought he fucking said.

“I’ll leave,” he says, and suddenly, I’m furious. That’s  ** _it._ ** I whip my head around to look at Kala.

“Listen right here, you little shit—”

Shiro glares at me and cuts me off. “I’m sorry, Kala, but we can not let him leave.”

“No, it’s fine, Shiro,” Keith says, embarrassed like a teenager whose parent was causing a ruckus about their kid’s food being a little bit cold, even if they’re fine with it.

Ignoring Keith’s existence entirely, Kala glares at Shiro. “And why is that?”

“Keith is, both literally and metaphorically, the head of Voltron. He pilots the Black Lion and by making the leader of Voltron leave, you’re pushing away Voltron.”

I can hear Coran over the comms telling us how much we’re fucking this up and to stop—well, he’s not saying _exactly_ that—but it’s just background noise at this point.

“If Keith leaves, Voltron leaves,” Shiro says, final.

Kala is silent. We all are.

“Then go.”

There are some murmurs from the crowd, but I mostly hear Coran in our comms, talking about how this conclusion was probably for the best.

Kala straightens her back even more. “We do not want the help of Voltron if they want to have a Galran on their team, _especially_ one that is a half-blood.”

“Excuse me?” Allura asks.

“What, you thought we wouldn’t notice? That boy is a  _mutt_. He is a disgusting mix between an Earthling and a Galran. We may be okay with the mixing of different subsets of the same species, but something as low as him will _never_ be a good leader.”

I glance over at Keith. He doesn’t look like he’s breathing okay. He’s looking at the ground too. I can’t see his face. Is he okay? Oh shit, is Keith  _okay_?

“Excuse me, Kala, I am Princess Allura of Altea, leader of the Voltron coalition.” She sounds as polite as a thief that’s holding a knife to your throat and asking for the combination to unlock the safe.

“I would like to formally retract our invitation to join the coalition.” She turns to the crowd. “Of course, if another request were to come from this planet, we would come to protect you, but only out of respect for life.”

She turns back to Kala. “Not out of respect for you.”

Kala’s glaring Allura down, her eyebrow bones almost reaching peak anger levels.

Allura continues, “Until there is a leader that sees someone’s actions over than the genetic makeup that they never _asked_ for, we will not be allying ourselves with you. _Ever_.”

Kala’s eyes are beadier than before, and her fake smile is pressed thin. Allura just turns around and walks back to the Blue Lion. For a moment, we stand there in awe, just looking at Allura. Did she really just do that?  _Allura?_

But, we follow behind her, get into our Lions—Shiro getting in the Black Lion with Keith—and begin to fly back to the castle.

Suddenly, Allura stops. She didn't even get that far from the stage. So, we all turn our Lions back around to look at Blue.

"Allura, what are you doing?" Hunk says over the comms.

"You'll see," she says.

She pulls out Blue's echolocator thing that I used when Hunk and I went to that underwater city and aims it at the stage. Then, she broadcasts a signal like a giant megaphone.

"Oh, Kala, one last thing."

Kala and the crowd look back up at Allura.

“Vrepit Sa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this chapter. I thought that Allura's talk about judging people based on their actions instead of genetic makeup might have been weird, but I thought it would still fit since she's already had to get over her dislike for Keith's Galran heritage.
> 
> I also hope that Keith's opening up scene wasn't too weird? I wanted to make him in-character but also out-of-character at the same time since it would be out-of-character for Lance to experience?
> 
> I would really love some feedback on my characterizations for them, good or bad. I just want to improve so that y'all have a better experience with this fanfiction!

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment here or on my Tumblr! Constructive criticism and ideas are highly appreciated!
> 
> https://unspoken-words-ao3.tumblr.com/


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